Slasha, Baby is the LOTR RPS Fanfiction holiday fic exchange. This story depicts real-life public figures engaged in completely fictional, false and untrue activities. It never happened. This story is a work of fantasy and satire which in no way professes to express the truth about the life, thoughts, feelings, desires, opinions, beliefs, activities or sexual orientation of any person mentioned herein.

Title: Words in the Woods
Recipient: shegollum
Author: evocates
Pairing: Sean Bean/Viggo Mortensen
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Norweigian woods in winter.
Pre-reveal Notes: Slashababy request: Humor, H/C, Angst but only with happy ending, please. I don’t think I managed H/C and angst, but there is humor and a happy ending, and I hope you like the fic, !

"Vig, you’ve gone and gotten us bloody lost, haven’t you?"

Viggo squinted, reaching out a hand. The camera thumped against his hip, and the leather strap dug into the skin of his elbow. But Sean’s wrist was warming up his cold fingers, and Viggo couldn’t help but grin.

"Nah," he said, knowing that it would just annoy Sean further. “We’re just taking a scenic route.”

"Scenic, right," Sean snorted, but he didn’t pull his arm away. Instead, he dragged Viggo even closer to his side, their bodies bumping against each other.

The darkness enveloped them almost entirely and the world was a shade of murky grade occasionally broken up by slices of complete black that indicated trees. Norway was dark in winter, even darker at night in the forests where the tall canopies blocked out most of the grey-blue sunlight. Brave shafts peeked through the leaves, lighting the road in front of them.

"There ain’t anything to see here, you idiot."

Viggo raised his free arm, turning slightly. The camera flash lit up their surroundings for less than a second, but he wasn’t looking at the tree. Instead, he was fascinated by the strands of blond amongst Sean’s now-brown hair, caught in the momentary light and seared to the back of his eyelids.

"You still have blond in your hair," Viggo said. He leaned in, his hand crawling up Sean’s neck. He played with the small hairs at the base. Their padded coats crinkled loudly as they met, and Viggo had the sudden crazy idea of stripping down completely, right here in the forest, so he could feel Sean’s skin against his own. "The flash caught them."

You’re beautiful, he didn’t say. Sean already knew it, and Viggo had never been particularly fond of repeating himself.

"Aye, and now I can’t see anything ‘cause your flash damn blinded me," Sean replied, sounding annoyed. But his lips grazed Viggo’s temple, pressing a soft kiss at the edge of his hairline.

"We’re going to freeze here and die and it’s all going to be your fault."

"We’re not going to die," Viggo protested. "I know exactly where we’re going."

"Yeah? Can we go back inside where there’s a fire and your cold hands won’t give frostbite to me neck?" Sean pulled back slightly, grabbing those very hands and shoving them inside his jacket. Viggo liked the heat, but he relished more in the shape of Sean’s chest, still so familiar to him despite the layers Sean was warning.

"Grumpy, grumpy," he teased. He leaned their foreheads together. Like this, surrounded by near-complete darkness and the silence of the forest, Viggo could make believe that they were the only people in the world. They could do whatever they wanted, witnessed only by the trees around them and the cold air that teased at their skins.

It was nice as a fantasy. If they were the only ones left surviving, he knew that the two of them would end up killing each other by the end of the month. And that was an optimistic guess. Viggo laughed again, a quiet giggle half-muffled against Sean’s cheek.

"What are you laughing ‘bout now, you crazy bugger."

"It’s so quiet here," Viggo said. This close, he could almost see Sean’s eyes, barely lit by the moon’s light that had struggled through the leaves. "There’s no one else here. No one else to stop us from whatever we want to do."

"I ain’t getting naked with you in the middle of a forest, in winter, in Norway," Sean said flatly, his practicality utterly ruining Viggo’s romantic fantasy. "I don’t love you enough to risk frostbite on me dick."

"Is that all you can think about?" Viggo pulled away, mock-indignant. "Sex?"

"Vig, when you invited me here, I thought we’re going to spend our days in a nice cabin with a thick rug and a roaring fire, and I can fuck you all day and make you mewl like a kitten. With the cold nicely outside the windows," Sean said dryly. His fingers brushed the edge of Viggo’s cheek. "I wasn’t thinking ‘bout coming out into the forest in the cold and frolicking all lost."

"You have no romantic soul in your body."

"I’m plenty romantic," Sean denied. "But it’s hard to be when you keep thinking your dick will fall off if you try anything funny."

Viggo dropped his head onto Sean’s shoulder, laughing. Sean’s chuckles echoed in his ear, his gloved hands sneaking underneath Viggo’s coat to stroke up and down his sides. Viggo turned his head, pressing a soft, stubble-scratchy kiss on the side of Sean’s neck.

"C’mon, let’s get you inside."

He stepped back. Camera raised, he clicked the flash until he found the path that they took into the forest.

"Over here."

"You sure ‘bout that?" Sean asked, and Viggo didn’t need light to know that he had an eyebrow raised.

"You don’t trust my direction sense?" He asked, trying to sound offended and failing spectacularly.

"Vig, you get lost two feet away from your own house. I have a self-preservation instinct."

Viggo shoved his elbow to the side, grinning when he heard Sean yelp.

"There’s one path from the cottage to the forest. You trust me to follow one road, don’t you?"

>p>"I don’t know, you might lead us further in and then we’ll be eaten by wolves. What then?"

"There are no wolves here, Sean," Viggo said blithely, deliberately missing the point. He slung his arm to the side blindly, nearly smashing Sean in the nose until he found his shoulders and pulled him close. "We might be eaten by dinosaurs, though. Watch out for the raptors."

"Oh aye, dinosaurs," the sarcasm practically dripped off Sean’s voice, barely hiding his amusement. "Much better than wolves."

Viggo elbowed him again, trying his best to not let his laughter escape. It was difficult, especially when he felt Sean’s shoulders shaking under his arm. But he was momentarily distracted by the light that appeared in front of him.

"There you go," he said, pointing. "The cottage. We’ve found our way back."

"A true Christmas miracle," Sean drawled. They leaned against each other as they walked towards the cottage. Viggo turned the knob and walked into the cottage, immediately tossing off his heavy coat. The fire was still crackling at its grate, but they would need to add more logs soon.

He realised Sean was staring at him. Viggo turned, cocking his head to the side. "What?"

"You didn’t lock the door?"

"Sean, we’re in the middle of nowhere," he pointed out. "Besides, you were the last one out. You didn’t lock the door."

"And here I was going to blame everything on you," Sean laughed. He dropped his own jacket to the floor, stepping forward and cupping Viggo’s jaw with both hands.

"I still don’t know what’s the point of the walk into the forest, ‘cause I saw nothing in there except different shades of black," Sean said, and his slow, small smile was beautiful to see. "But hell, I’d go anywhere with you, you know that."

Viggo leaned forward and kissed him. He might be a poet, but there were no adequate words in the world that he could use to express how he felt. He leaned forward, touching his forehead to Sean’s, when they broke apart.

“We’re going to have sex on the rug now,” Sean informed him. He licked his lips. “I’m telling you that. You don’t get to have an opinion.”

Viggo was still laughing when Sean dragged him down to the ground.

End