Sekrit Slasha

Slasha, Baby is the Lotrips Fanfiction holiday fic exchange. This story depicts real-life public figures engaged in completely fictional, false and untrue activities. It never happened. This story is a work of fantasy and satire which in no way professes to express the truth about the life, thoughts, feelings, desires, opinions, beliefs, activities or sexual orientation of any person mentioned herein.

The Misadventures of Karl Urban, Rock God

Title: The Misadventures of Karl Urban, Rock God
Pairing: Karl/Orlando, Karl/Viggo
Rating: R
Summary: Karl has a new boyfriend, but what happens when his ex comes to town?
Notes: This started as a Scott Pilgrim au, but as time went on, it became less Scott Pilgrim and more something else. Although there still is a band, and an evil ex. There is quite a bit of Miranda and brief mentions of some het pairing, I hope you don't mind :) In this universe, Orlando is 19, Karl is in his late 20's, and Viggo is in his mid 30's.

Part One

It was Friday night in Wellington. And Friday Night in Wellington meant Imladris was packed. Karl strutted down a long hallway to the dressing room hidden in the depths of the club. He wore, what his father would called, a shit eating grin. At that moment, he felt fantastic.

He threw open the dressing room door, and grinned at his band mates.

"He's here!"

"Who's here?" replied the dark haired man named Sean. He sat on the ratty couch, with his head between his legs, breathing into a paper bag.

Karl just rolled his eyes at Sean, "Orlando, the light of my life, and the fire of my loins." He threw himself down next to Sean and rubbed his back.

"Oh, right the new guy." The blonde sitting across from Sean sipped her coffee, "And how old is this one?"

Karl blushed slightly, "He turned 19 a couple of months ago."

"Robbing the cradle again? One of these days you are going to get arrested." She drained her coffee and threw the paper cup into the trash can.

"Miranda, nothing you can say will ruin this for me."

"Probably not, because you'll do it yourself eventually." She smirked at Karl, and he threw a guitar pick at her, "Watch the hair fucker. It took me forever to get it too look this good."

"Promise me that you'll be nice when he comes back stage later."

"I'm always nice," Miranda replied with a smile, "People don't think I'm a bitch until they've gotten to know me."

There was a knock at the door, and Billy, the stage manager, poked his head in.

"You guys are on in 5. How's Sean holding up?" They had been playing at Imladris for about a month, but this was their first time headlining on a Friday night. He moaned and started breathing heavily into his paper bag.

Not for the first time, Karl wondered why Sean wanted to be in a band. Sean loved music but when ever they played a gig, he would spend the day trying not to pass out. He was a hell of a bassist though.

"He'll be fine." Miranda said, moving over to Sean. She hauled him to his feet, and slapped him across the face. "Snap out of it!"

Sean went on stage that night with a bright red palm print on his face. Miranda was stronger then she looked.


Orlando stood with his back to the wall, nursing his beer. Karl had found him a spot close to the stage, and he watched as ORC finished their set.

He tried to act like he belonged there, but he felt like everyone was watching him. Orlando didn't care much for crowds. He took another sip of his drink and tried to relax. He almost didn't come, but Karl wanted him there, so he came.

Just as the urge to bolt out the front entrance was becoming overwhelming, the stage lights came up, and there was Karl, looking every bit like a god. Orlando felt his stomach drop, and his cheeks flame. "That's my boyfriend" he thought.

The blonde behind the drum kit raised her arms in the air and yelled,

"We are Low Trips, and we are Fucking Epic! 1 2 3 4"

The wall of sound nearly knocked Orlando off his feet. Nothing in his sheltered life had prepared him for this. Halfway through the first song, a rather bawdy number called "The Wizard's Staff has a Knob on The End", Karl caught his gaze and blew him a kiss. His cheeks grew redder, if it was at all possible. He was definitely almost in love.


After they had finished their set, Karl found Orlando in the same spot he had left him. He smiled widely at the young man.

"You guys are awesome." Orlando said. Karl took his hand and pulled him for a quick kiss.

"Yeah, I know. Come on, I want you to meet everyone." He gripped his hand tighter and pulled him back stage.

"Everyone, this is Orlando" Karl said as he pushed his boyfriend into the room. He tripped over his own feet, and Miranda wasn't quick enough to stifle the giggle that came out of her.

"I'm Miranda, and the guy getting drunk in the corner is Sean." Sean raised his beer in way of a greeting, "So what did you think of the show?"

"It was great. You are amazing. Girl drummers are so cool."

"I think this one might be a keeper Karl" Miranda said as she pulled Orlando down onto the couch with her, "Orlando, would you like a beer?"


It was late when Miranda's old VW van pulled into the driveway of the house the band shared. They had dropped Orlando off at his dorm, and Sean and Miranda gave Karl a good ribbing for walking Orlando to the doors.

Sean brought three bottles of beer to the kitchen table where the others joined him.

"So, what do you guys think?"

"He's a nice kid." Sean replied, pulling out his smokes. Miranda pinched one, and lit it with her silver zippo.

"I like him. Have you defiled him yet?"

"Miranda, such language." Karl tried to look shocked,"How will you ever find a husband with a mouth like that?"

Miranda flipped him the bird, "Plenty of guys like my mouth thank you very much."

"Miranda!" Sean didn't like it when Miranda talked like a trucker.

"Oh shut it Sean. I didn't hear you complaining at the Christmas party last year." She blew a smoke ring at him. Sean went white then red. He obviously didn't know that their liaison in the Imladris bathroom was common knowledge. Miranda did like to brag.

"No, there has been no defiling as of yet. We hold hands, and kiss a bit, but he's knew to the whole 'gay' thing, so we're taking it slow."

"So no sex yet?" Sean asked.

"Nope, he's still a virgin." Karl said with a grin. Miranda shook her head in disbelief.

"Karl, if your life had a face, I would punch it."

Part Two

Tonight was the night. Karl didn't know it yet, but he would. It was their three month anniversary, and to Orlando, it seemed like as good a reason as any. He had it all planned out. Miranda and Sean had agreed to make themselves scare for the evening. He was going to make dinner, and before the end of the night, he was determined to lose his virginity.

"Hey Lando. Let me help you with that." Miranda met him at the door and reached out for one of the bags that weighed his arms down, "Are you sure you brought enough food? You know you are welcome to anything in the fridge."

"And when do you have anything in the fridge other than beer or stale Chinese?" Orlando fired back.

"Point well taken" It had taken a couple of weeks for Orlando to get comfortable with how they teased each other. The three of them had been friends for a long time.

"So what are your plans tonight?" He asked, pulling things out of bags.

"I've got a date. One of the regulars at the coffee shop finally asked me out. We are going roller skating. How awesome is that?"

"Do you even know how to roller skate?" Orlando unwrapped some flowers, "Do you have a vase?"

"Gerberas. Karl's favourites." She said, fondling the bright pink petals, "Yes, I can roller skate, and no I don't have a vase. You'll have to improvise." She shimmied past Orlando to the fridge and grabbed a beer. She handed one to Orlando.

"Thanks. I could use some help setting the table if you have time."

"Sure thing. Just let me go grab something first." She disappeared down the hall and returned a few minutes later with a shiny blue gift bag which she handed to Orlando.

"Here. Happy Anniversary."

"You didn't have to get me anything Miranda. Thank you." He reached in and pulled out a value pack of condoms and a bottle of lube, "You really didn't have too."

"I just wanted to make sure you guys played safe." She laughed and went in search of silverware.


When he got home from work, Karl was met with the wonderful aroma of real food. In the back of his mind he wondered which one of his roommates had been domesticated during his absence.

"Dinner will be ready in about 10 minutes." A voice came from the kitchen, and he smiled. Leave it to Orlando to surprise him like this.

"Hi Honey, I'm home." He joked before wrapping his arms around Orlando's waist. He kissed the side of his neck and felt the shiver that passed through the young man.

"Careful, this is hot. I don't want to have to take you to hospital before we even get to eat." Once he put the pan down on the stove, he turned and kissed Karl on the cheek. "Go and clean up."

'Yes Dear." Karl said as he let himself be pushed out of the kitchen.


Karl place his fork and knife on his plate, "That was amazing Orlando. If you keep cooking like that, I might have to keep you."

"Ah, you've seen through my nefarious plan." He smiled, "It was just meat loaf, no big deal."

"Yes, it is a big deal. Neither Sean or I can cook, and Miranda refuses, so I've missed home cooked meals. To what do I owe the pleasure though?"

"We've been dating for three months, I just wanted to do something nice to mark the day."

"I didn't even think about it. I would have got you something." Karl said, feeling a bit guilty.

"Oh I think I can think of something you could give me." Orlando said as he handed Karl the shiny blue gift bag.

Karl looked into the bag, then back to Orlando, "I think I could manage that. Are you sure that's what you want?"

Orlando didn't reply, he only grabbed the bag from Karl and ran down the hall to Karl's bed room. It took him a moment, but Karl quickly gave chase.


A couple of hours later Karl quietly left his bedroom so he wouldn't wake Orlando. He went into the kitchen and grabbed a beer from the fridge. The remains of dinner were still on the table and counter, but they could clean up in the morning. He scratched his stomach and swallowed the cold liquid.

Orlando, as it turned out was a quick study and quite insatiable. Although he suspected Miranda might have given him some tips, because he was entirely too good with his mouth. Karl was looking forward to round two, and maybe round three in the morning.

Finishing the beer, he retrieved his cell from his jacket pocket. One missed call. Dialing the number for is voice mail, he put the phone to his ear.

"Hey Karl, its Viggo. I'm back in town. Wanna meet up?" A cold shiver passed through him.


Part Three

Whenever Karl thought things were going his way, the Universe took perverse pleasure in pulling the rug out from under him. He was sure, that somewhere out there in the great beyond, the Universe was laughing her ass off.

He hadn't mentioned the phone call to anyone. Mostly because he wasn't sure how he felt about it. His head knew that Viggo was bad news for him, but his lower bits disagreed, they quite liked him. His heart remained conflicted on the matter.

Neither Miranda or Sean liked Viggo. They had been there through the various break ups. They helped put Karl back together, after Viggo had broken him apart. As far as they were concerned, Viggo could fall into the void. And while he appreciated everything they did for him, their feelings only seemed to complicate the matter for Karl.

So Karl made plans to meet Viggo for drinks. Orlando was away visiting friends down South, so he only had to lie to his two best friends about where he was going that night. He would go, have one drink, and leave. He thought that that would be enough to be civil, but to let Viggo know that things between them would not be starting up again.

Just one drink, what could possibly go wrong?


Viggo was already at the bar when finally Karl arrived. He hadn't seen Viggo in over two years, and he looked as good as ever. His brain started screaming at him to run away. His other bits then told his brain to take a hike because they wanted to hit that. His heart remained torn. It took him a moment, but Karl finally took a breath and made his way to the table.


"Hey. I was starting to think you weren't going to show."

"Until just not, I wasn't sure I was going to." Karl sat down, "How are you?"

"Good, can't complain." Viggo motioned to the waitress to bring Karl a beer, "I've missed you."

Viggo reached out to take Karl's hand, but Karl dropped them to his lap, and said nothing. Viggo's simple statement had shook his resolve, physical contact would make it crumble entirely. Karl thought about Orlando, and wondered again why he thought this would be a good idea. When his beer arrived, he took a large swallow.

"So, how's that band? How's everyone?"

"The band is doing well. We've got a regular gig at Imladris, which is fantastic."

"Well, Hugo has always had good taste."

"Sean's been writing a lot, so we have been playing mostly original songs now . We are thinking of recording some."

"That's great. And how is the Ice Queen?"

"Miranda is fine. She doesn't know I'm here. She'd kick my ass all the way to Christchurch if she did." Karl wasn't sure why he told Viggo that. Whenever he was around him, things had a way of just slipping out.

"Of course she would. She's never liked me." Viggo laughed bitterly.

"That is putting it mildly. She hates you." Karl replied, "So, why are you here Viggo?"

"I've been a fool Karl. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and I want you back." This time, when Viggo reached for his hands, Karl let him take them. Later he would decide that that was the moment everything went wrong.


It was very late when Karl arrived at home. The house was dark and quiet. As he locked the door behind him, Karl leaned on it heavily and sighed. He felt defeated. Things had not gone the way he planned them, but had gone the way they always seemed too when he was around Viggo.

One drink became more then one drink. Which then became dinner at a small, romantic restaurant. After the main course, but before dessert, Viggo dragged Karl to the bathroom. He pushed Karl against the sinks, and he whispered all the dirty things he planned to do to Karl when they got back to his hotel. Karl's knees went weak, his brain had gave up and his other bits got hard in his jeans. Viggo took advantage of this, and by the time they arrived at the hotel, Karl was so out of his mind with lust, that he was willing to do anything Viggo wanted. He would have taken Viggo back if he asked.

The sex was the same as always. Which meant it was fantastic. Viggo had always known what made Karl hot and how exactly to touch him to make him beg to be fucked hard and rougher. With Viggo over top of him, all thoughts of Orlando disappeared. When he finally came, it was Viggo's name he screamed.

It was afterwards, while Viggo was cleaning up that Karl remembered Orlando. His heart sank and he felt overcome by shame and guilt. While Viggo was in the shower, he threw his clothes on and quietly left the hotel. He felt like a coward, but he had to get out of there before things got worse, and they always did. Karl knew if he stayed, he would take Viggo back.

Miranda had been right. Given enough time, Karl would fuck everything between himself and Orlando on his own, with no help from anyone else. By the time he got home, Karl was close to tears.

He knocked on Miranda's bedroom door, before pushing it open, "Miranda, are you awake?"

"No." She said, turning over and flicking on the bedside lamp. She knew right away that something was wrong, "Are you okay?"

"No." Karl said softly, "Viggo's back."

"What? Karl, tell me you didn't.", but she knew from the look an his face that he had. "Oh Sweetie. David, shove over a bit."

She nudged the man sleeping next to her. He grunted, and rolled closer to the wall. She motioned to Karl, and he laid down beside her, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really." Karl let Miranda pull him close. After a moment, he spoke again, "What the hell is wrong with me? I have a great life, and a great boyfriend, but here I am screwing everything up."

"Nothing is wrong with you. Viggo's an ass."

"What am I going to do about Orlando?"

"I don't know sweetie. We can think about that tomorrow. Go to sleep now." She kissed his temple, and soon enough, Karl did just that.

Part 4

Another Friday night at Imladris. Orlando walked into the club, and went straight back stage. He hadn't seen Karl for a week, and he was eager to see his boyfriend again. He was halfway down the corridor that lead to the dressing room, when he heard the raised voices of Miranda and Sean.

"What the fuck is he doing here? He's not on the list, and Karl doesn't want to see him." Miranda was pissed. Orlando had never seen Miranda angry before, and at the mention of Karl's name, he began to feel uneasy. Just what had happened while he was away?

"He and Hugo go way back, college or something. He doesn't need to be on the list."

"Karl told him to stay away. Why the hell can't he do what he's told?"

"You know Viggo, he only does what he wants, and to hell with anyone else."

"And we are left to pick up the pieces when it all goes to shit."

"Hey Miranda. Hey Sean." Orlando said as he slipped past the two of them, and reached for the door handle.

"Orlando, don't!" Miranda made a move to stop Orlando, but it was too late. The door to the dressing room was opening and soon Orlando could see for himself what was happening.

Karl was pressed against the vanity by a man who Orlando didn't recognize. They were kissing, and the stranger had a hand in Karl's jeans. He froze, but a strangled cry made its way out of his mouth and the two men stared at him. Karl looked panicked, but the stranger looked kind of pleased.

"So, is that the boyfriend? He's kind of young, isn't he?. No wonder you ended up back in my bed." He stared at Orlando, his hand still moving inside Karl's jeans.

Orlando went cold from shock, then hot with rage. Without a word, he bolted. As he ran, he heard Karl calling his name, but he didn't stop. He didn't look back.


He was already a couple of blocks from the club when Karl finally caught up with him.

"Orlando! Wait!" Karl sounded desperate, and Orlando turned to stare at him.

"What the fuck Karl? Who was that guy?"

"That was Viggo. My ex. "

"He didn't look much like an ex to me. How long have you been fucking him?"

"I'm not fucking him."

"Then why was his hand in your pants? Why were you kissing him?"

"Its kind of complicated."

"Bullshit! You know Karl, I maybe younger then you, but I am not fucking stupid. Just tell me what is going on."

"I've been with Viggo, on and off since high school. He was my first everything, first kiss, first lover, first love. But it has never worked out between us. After it ended the last time, he moved to The States, and I thought I would never see him again. He came into town last week, and well, we slept together."

"So, you are fucking him then."

"It was just the one time. It was a mistake and I've been regretting it ever since. I've been keeping my distance because Viggo has this way of getting under my skin, and when I'm around him, I can't think straight, and well, things like that happen. He just showed up at the club tonight, and I had been trying to explain to him why I wasn't going to get back together with him. But things got out of hand, and well you saw what happened."

"And you just let him?"

"I can't help myself around him, you know? Viggo knows this, and he uses it against me. "


"That is one thing you and Miranda agree on." Karl reached out for Orlando's hands, "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you had to find out like this. For what its worth, I was going to tell you everything tonight when I saw you. I know I fucked up, and I'll understand if you never want to see me again, but I think I might love you. I don't want to lose you."

"Karl, I..."

"Don't say anything right now. Just promise me that you'll think it over and that we can talk later."


"I've got to get back." Karl leaned over and kissed Orlando on the cheek, "I am so sorry Orlando."

Orlando watched as Karl turned and headed back to the club. This was not how he envisioned his night going. He frowned and kicked at a rock on sidewalk.

"Fuck." he breathed, and he made his way back to the club.

Part 5

It hadn't been their best show. Karl had been too wrapped up in his thoughts to be present enough, but Sean and Miranda picked up the slack and they made it through without sucking to badly. He was relieved when they finally went off stage.

Just as he was about to head back stage, a commotion caught his eye. Turning he saw Orlando and Viggo in a heated argument that looked like it had been going on for some time. Club goers were giving the pair a wide berth, thinking that at any moment they might start fighting. Although he couldn't hear what they were saying, but he had an idea. He jumped off the stage and made his way to over. Miranda and Sean followed him.

"He's not a toy you can take out and play with when it suits you."

"Karl is mine." Viggo stated.

"But threw him away. He deserves better then you."

"And I suppose you think you are better then me?"

"I am better then you."

"You're a child. You have no idea what you are talking about. Karl needs to be with a real man. You will never be able to make him happy."

"Why don't you ask him yourself?" Orlando said, as he pointed Karl out to Viggo.

"Karl, come and tell you little friend to go away." Viggo moved to Karl and placed a hand on his arm, "Are you ready to go?"

Karl shook off Viggo's hand and stepped away from him. He looked from Orlando to Viggo and back. Despite of all the hurt he had caused Orlando, he had come back and was willing to fight for him. That told him everything he needed to know.

"No. I'm not leaving with you. I'm with Orlando now."

"He's a boy. You need a man to make you happy."

"He does make me happy." Karl reached for Orlando's hand, " And he's more of a man then you will ever be."

"You'll come back to me, you always come back to me." Viggo said.

"Not anymore. We're over Viggo, we've been over for a long time. I'm through with being your fuck toy." And with that, Karl walked away, pulling Orlando behind him.

Viggo started to follow, but Sean blocked his path.

"It's over Viggo." Sean said, crossing his arms, "Walk away before Miranda finds a reason to hurt you."

Viggo looked over at Miranda, who was grinning madly. He knew that Miranda could hurt him, and it was a fight he probably couldn't win. He sneered at the two of them, before pushing his way through the crowd, towards the exit.


Back in the dressing room, Karl and Orlando stood awkwardly, looking at each other.

"Did you mean what you said back there?" Orlando asked.

"Which part?"

"That I make you happy?"

"Yes, Orlando, you make me very happy."

"I love you Karl."

"I love you too Orlando." Karl replied. It only took nearly losing him, to make Karl realize just how much he did love the young man. He pulled Orlando towards him, and kissed him soundly.

"Can we go home now?" Orlando asked when they finally broke apart.

"Yes, we can go home."

"And can you make a man out of me again tonight?" Orlando asked, bringing himself flush against Karl.

"If you'd like."

"Yes, I would."

Created by megolas, revised by yueni
fabulous artwork \0xA92002 by Hope
Moderated by MSilverstar & feelforfaith