Slashababy 2004 Stories

  FANFICTION: This story depicts real-life public figures engaged in completely fictional, false and untrue activities. It never happened, it never will happen. This story is a work of fantasy and satire which in no way professes to express the truth about the life, thoughts, feelings, desires, opinions, beliefs, activities or sexual orientation of any person mentioned herein.

Fairytale (or, How Prince Orlando Won the Heart of His One True Love)

for queenbitter
by cathybites

Rating: PG

Once upon a time, in a faraway magical kingdom called New Zealand, there was a prince. The prince (whom we shall call Orlando, for that was his name) was tall and slender, his hair was dark and unruly, and his smile was as bright and warm as the summer sun. He was a kind and gentle soul and his beauty was outshone only by his heart.

Now, Orlando was not the prince of New Zealand; he was only visiting to partake in a Great Adventure. This was most exciting for the young prince because he had never been on a Great Adventure before. There had been small adventures, and a few escapades, and once there had been an Unfortunate Incident, but never anything like this. He was most excited to be a part of it.

Many other princes, lords, and knights had also traveled to New Zealand for the Great Adventure. There was Prince Elijah of the Great Plains, whose eyes were rumored to be able to see straight into the soul of any man; Sir Astin the Garrulous, whose very words could lull all who heard him into a deep slumber; the ever mischievous Lord Dominic Monaghan with his charming wit that enchanted even the surliest of dwarves and dragons; and many, many others who had come from near and far for the Great Adventure.

And there was also Billy the Fair.

Prince Orlando first set eyes upon Billy at the port of Heathrow. He had been instructed that he would be traveling with another, but other than a name, the only thing Orlando knew of the fellow was that he was of slight build and from the land of the Scots. Heathrow was crowded with people when he arrived there and he was certain that he would never find his traveling companion. His despair was in danger of becoming nigh unbearable when someone tapped his arm and said, "Are you Orlando Bloom?"

Orlando turned and it was as if the very breath of life had been given to his dreams. Eyes as green as the most precious of gemstones, lips that curved like pink satin ribbon, and a voice that rang sweeter than any bell Orlando had ever heard. Orlando knew that this was It- the thing that dreamers sang about it and poets rearranged the heavens for. He could feel it in the very bones of his body and the most hidden recesses of his soul that this man, this simple and beautiful man, was his One True Love. The words that came from his mouth next had to convey all the mad emotions that threatened to burst forth from his young heart, had to convince Billy that his love was pure and good and that a lifetime spent together was their shared destiny.

"BILLY!" he shouted and threw his arms around the other man, hugging him fiercely.

It wasn't, the prince would admit with some embarrassment later, the poetic and stunning declaration of love he had hoped for. He had never been In Love before and knew little of the proper ways to go about conveying one's feelings. And so after Orlando let go of him, Billy laughed (and Orlando swooned) and Billy grabbed Orlando's hand in a firm, friendly handshake.

A simple and friendly handshake - two hands clasped together, nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary - but to the young prince, it was like lightning coursed through his veins with the first touch of Billy's hands. He felt effervescent and slightly off-kilter, like he could burst out into laughter and tears simultaneously; or like he could soar away into the stratosphere at a moment's notice. His face grew hot and his hands grew cold, and his legs shook so badly that the only thing keeping him upright was the giddy feeling in his heart when he looked into Billy's eyes.

The only thing that cast a faint, dismal shadow over everything was the fact that Prince Orlando knew that he had completely bollocksed up his first impression with the fair Billy, and as everyone knew, first impressions were of the utmost importance, especially in the matters of Love. The prince chose not to dwell on this, though, nor did he mope or angst or think about writing girly poetry in his journal (well, maybe for a second). No, the charming prince decided that it only meant he had to work extra hard on leaving an Incredibly Remarkable second, third, and maybe even fourth impression on Billy.

His first opportunity presented itself on the first part of the journey, while Orlando was flipping through a gossip magazine. "Did you know that both Jack Black and Shania Twain were born today?" Orlando asked his traveling companion.

"I know another person who has a birthday today," Billy replied, smiling brightly at Orlando.

Perhaps it was due to Orlando being so blinded by his adoration for Billy, or perhaps he was simply blinded because Billy was sitting by the window. Either way, he failed to notice the excitement in Billy's voice or the way he seemed so eager to reveal the person's identity and Orlando said, "Poor fellow. I can't imagine that anyone with the same horoscope as those two would be terribly interesting." He gave Billy his most charming 'Aren't I clever lad?' smile and was surprised to see Billy's expression of disappointment. "What?"

Billy turned from Orlando and mumbled something.

"I didn't catch that. Come on, tell me. Billeeeeeeeeee."

"I said, today is my birthday, too, you arse." And Billy pushed roughly past Orlando and stomped down the aisle to the facilities.

Oh, this was a spectacularly unfortunate turn of events; the young prince had often been told that his mouth and brain worked independently of one another and here it was happening once again. Stupid, stupid, STUPID, Orlando told himself, pinching the bridge of his nose roughly. How could he have not guessed that it would be Billy's birthday, too? He needed to rectify the situation and do so immediately. But how? Normally, he would just smile sheepishly and apologize and the person he'd inadvertently offended would forgive him immediately, but he had a feeling that wouldn't work with Billy. Orlando needed something that would, all at once, express his apology, help Billy forget about Orlando's gaffe, and make Billy see that he was Orlando's One True Love.

Despite what movies and television had led him to believe, alcohol only managed two of those things, although there was the added bonus of Billy serenading everyone with a particularly saucy rendition of 'Copacabana'. And the added not-so-much-of-a-bonus of Billy losing the contents of his lunch all over Orlando's new shoes. The prince made a mental note to Never Give Billy Champagne Again. But Orlando was an optimist; if the fact that he was only slightly nauseated by Billy being sick wasn't a sign of True Love, then he didn't know what was.

Unfortunately for the dear prince, Next Time seemed to be a very, very, very long way off. As soon as he and Billy had arrived in the lush kingdom of New Zealand, they were whisked away and separated, with Billy assigned to a group called the Hobbits while Orlando, being of the princely sort, found himself with Men. The poor prince was most upset at this situation. How was he supposed to win Billy's heart when they never saw each other? Orlando spent many nights trying to figure out a solution, preferably one that did not involve champagne. He thought of all the tales he had heard as a young princeling of brave knights and fair ladies, and one night, as he watched the fair Billy cavorting with the Hobbits as they dared one another to do silly and possibly hazardous deeds, an idea came to him.

To ordinary people, throwing one's body off a very high bridge with only a slim piece of cording to keep one from plunging to one's death would be called madness; to the valiant heroes involved with the Great Adventure, it was still madness, but the sort of madness that might be considered fun. Orlando had approached the Hobbits with the idea, telling them that he had heard of a place nearby, and Prince Elijah and Lord Dominic had seemed most enthusiastic about the idea. Sir Astin was less so, going into a long lecture about things such as Safety Issues and Statistics, but in the end he agreed to come along.

Fair Billy said nothing, though. Orlando kept glancing at him, taking in the lovely way his brow creased as he thought it over, and the lovely way his mouth frowned ever so lightly, and the lovely...

"Oi, elf!" Dominic shouted, waving a bejewelled hand in front of Orlando's face to get his attention. "When did you want to do this?"

"Oh, um...everyone has this Sunday off, right? I could ring up the place and see if they have a time open for us." Orlando cast another glance towards Billy, who had still said nothing either way, and he could feel Doubt creeping up on his Glorious Plan. "Billy, would you come with us?"

Billy's frown, as lovely as it was, deepened and Orlando's heart sunk. This wasn't looking good for the prince as Billy opened his mouth to speak. Before he could say anything, though, Elijah threw an arm around his shoulders and announced, "Of course he is! We couldn't do this without our Bills."

Well, Billy had no choice then. A royal decree had been issued and he had to follow. "I suppose I'm to come along, then," he said, sounding none too pleased with the idea. Nevertheless, Orlando was thrilled. He would lead the group to the site, be the first one to jump, and Billy would be so impressed by his bravery that he'd declare his Undying Love to Orlando right there and then. It was a perfect plan.

Perfect plans, however, have a way of going awry. They all woke up Sunday morning to a cold and blustery day. Elijah, who had issued the decree that Billy must accompany them, had a change of heart and decided to stay in instead. Billy took this to mean that he did not have to go now, and it took twenty dollars and a case of beer to convince him otherwise. Then, when it was time to jump and win Billy's heart, Orlando stepped to the edge of the platform, took a deep breath...and froze. The wind was blowing not very gently and even though he knew it was foolish to do so, he glanced down and the cord wrapped around his ankles suddenly seemed very flimsy.

"Come on, you tosser!" yelled Lord Dominic. "Are you going to jump or are we going to have to push you?"

To his horror, Orlando heard Billy laughing at that. Laughing at him! It was too terrible to bear. Orlando went to turn around, to run away from the sound of Billy's laughter, but when he lifted his foot up, a particularly strong gust of wind came from nowhere and Orlando fell off his platform.

Later on that day...and week...and years and years later, Dominic gleefully reported to all who would listen that Orlando had the girliest scream he had ever heard. Sometimes, when he had had a lot to drink, Dominic would also re-enact the scene, free of charge.

Even though he had suffered a Horrendous Humiliation, the young prince refused to give up. Certain that brave deeds would be the way to Billy's heart, he kept offering suggestions to the Hobbits for more adventures. Each activity he thought of, though, was met with indifference. It wasn't long before Orlando despaired of ever proving his worth to Billy. He gave himself one more chance before resigning himself to the painful, yet poetic and time-honored, fate of Unrequited Love.

He'd expected that his idea to learn how to surf would be rejected like everything else he had come up with. To his surprise, however, Billy's eyes lit up and his perfect mouth curled up into the sweetest smile Orlando had ever seen. "Surfing, eh? I've always wanted to try it."

It was almost too good to be true; not only had the Hobbits agreed to surf with him, but Billy was the one who was most excited about it. Orlando knew, though, not to get his hopes up too high. He merely smiled and said, "Fantastic," and tried not to think too much about how lovely Billy would look on a surfboard, in a wetsuit, with his hair plastered to his skin and his skin flushed from the sun and...

The morning of their first surfing expedition arrived and the five of them traveled to the beach. The sun had just started to peek over the horizon when they arrived; the ocean sparkled with golden sunlight and the waves looked ready and welcoming. Another good sign, Orlando thought, and he allowed himself a moment of self-satisfaction before he remembered that he shouldn't tempt the Fates.

The instructor they had hired went over safety precautions with them, earning a pleased smile from Sir Astin. He then proceeded to explain the intricacies of surfing, of how to balance and turn and ride the waves. Orlando paid very close attention to everything he said. Then, as the instructor was finishing up, Billy turned to Orlando and said, "Bet I could catch a bigger wave than you."

Orlando looked at Billy and grinned. His love had issued a challenge to him! Surely, if Orlando were to ride the biggest wave possible, Billy would be his. "You're on," he said.

They all ran for the water, laughing and splashing one another as they climbed on their surfboards. Orlando paddled furiously, scanning the water for a swell suitable enough to impress Billy. He didn't spot one immediately, but he was not discouraged. He could practice on the smaller waves, and when the time came, he would be ready for a larger one.

The day passed quickly, with the Hobbits and Orlando getting better and better at surfing. Billy was outshining all of them, though, and Orlando spent many moments watching his slight figure slice through the waves. And every time Billy would pass Orlando, he'd smile and wink, as if he were saying, "Did you see the size of that wave? How're you going to beat that?"

Orlando spent the entire day on his board but he just didn't seem to be able to find the right wave. Finally, the sun was sitting low in the sky and it was time to go home. The others headed for shore and Orlando sighed heavily. Another plan foiled and he prepared himself to live the rest of years alone.

Just then, as he gave the ocean one last, baleful look, he spotted a swell coming towards him. It was growing in size quickly and Orlando knew that this was The Wave. He turned his board and began paddling, feeling himself rise up with the water. He could feel everyone's eyes on him as the wave crested and he stood, balancing on his board. The wave was far larger than any he had ridden that day; it was bigger than what anyone had ridden. He grinned triumphantly and looked up to see Billy smiling, clapping his hands delightedly.

Then the water crashed upon his head and Orlando tumbled down into the depths of the ocean.

He came to lying on his back with a severe pain on the right side of his head. He tried to sit up but nausea overcame him and he turned on his side, vomiting sea water. Right onto Billy's feet.

"You daft bugger!" Billy yelled, not seeming to care that Orlando had just thrown up on him. "What were you thinking, taking on that monster wave?"

Orlando coughed and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Had...impress. Had to impress you," he mumbled, feeling rather silly about the whole thing at the moment.

"Impress me? Why would you do that?"

It was a question Orlando didn't want to answer, but he knew that he had to. There was nothing, though, that said he couldn't do so in the vaguest terms possible. "Because."

"Because? That's not much of a reason."

"It's my reason," Orlando said, and he finally looked up into Billy's eyes.

Perhaps it was the fading light that cast everything with a soft glow that made Orlando take his next action, or perhaps it was the fact that his brain had gone without oxygen for too long, or that he was tired of trying so hard and failing every time. Whatever the reason, Orlando took hold of Billy's head and drew him down for a kiss. When they finally parted, with Billy looking at Orlando in confusion, Orlando said, "That's my reason."

For one long and horrible moment, Billy said nothing, just stared down at Orlando, his expression unreadable. It was possibly the most awful moment of Orlando's young life, waiting for a reaction of any sort, (but preferably a favorable one) from Billy. "Billy?" he said softly when he couldn't stand the silence any longer.

The sun slipped away from sight and Billy's lips finally began to curl ever so slowly into a smile. He shook his head, gave Orlando a fond look, and smacked him in the head.


"And you couldn't have just told me?"

"Well, no. I needed to win your heart."

"Git," Billy said affectionately before giving Orlando a quick kiss. "You've had it since we met. All you had to do was ask."

"But...are you sure?"

"You just vomited all over my feet and I didn't get upset. If that's not true love, then I don't know what is."

The prince didn't know either, nor did he care to, not when Billy was leaning down for another kiss.

And so the prince managed to win the fair Billy's heart, not through Brave Deeds or Foolhardy Actions, but simply by being his sweet and charming self. And although that might not make for a more exciting story, it does make for quite the Happy Ending.

The End.


Slashababy 2004 Stories