Slashababy 2004 Stories

  FANFICTION: This story depicts real-life public figures engaged in completely fictional, false and untrue activities. It never happened, it never will happen. This story is a work of fantasy and satire which in no way professes to express the truth about the life, thoughts, feelings, desires, opinions, beliefs, activities or sexual orientation of any person mentioned herein.

Billy's Christmas Diary

For cincodemaygirl
by charlottemay

Rating: PG13
Pairing: Orlando/Billy
Summary: Written for cincodemaygirl, who asked for "BB/OB, humour, first time". I hope this fits the bill.

20th December 2004

I can't believe I'm doing this.

I'm scribbling in a notebook I cadged off the flight attendant, at thirty thousand feet above the Pacific Ocean, and I don't really know why. The whole diary writing thing's so juvenile, isn't it? I mean, I'm well past thirty. I ought to be over crap like this. But no, apparently my genitals have finally taken complete control of all higher thought processes (though quite where the diary fits into that scenario I don't like to contemplate) and I've admitted to myself I've fallen hook, line and sinker for a beautiful, unattainable guy who doesn't give me a second glance.

I suppose writing's a displacement activity to stop me thinking about him. Not working, is it? Or perhaps it's an effort to get my thoughts in order, make some sense out of things.


I need to state the problem clearly, concisely and without pratting about.

I think I am in love with Orlando Bloom.

There, I said it. Well, wrote it at least.

But what the fuck can I do about it?

And how did this ghastly, god-awful mess begin? Well, dear reader, let me fill you in....

Remember on the DVD extras when I was talking about the first time I saw Orlando and I said, "I thought, he looks elf-like"? Well, at the time I thought a few other things as well, like "God almighty, look at that arse!", "I never thought brown eyes could be so sexy" and "Wonder if he fancies a shag?"

Yes, folks, this started a long time ago. But until recently I've kept it under control. Haven't admitted it to anyone, especially myself. Good at hiding my emotions, I am. Very good. Dom's asked me a few times why I've never settled down, why my relationships don't seem to last. I've brushed him off with the old "just playing the field" line, but just lately I've begun to suspect he wasn't buying it. Not that I thought for a moment that he'd guessed the real reason for my self-imposed celibacy.

I've caught Dom looking at me funny a few times. Like he's up to something. I'll admit he looks like that most of the time, but I know him well enough to be able to tell when I might be the victim. But I still didn't smell a rat when he rang to invite me to Hawaii for Christmas. "That sounds great!" I said with genuine enthusiasm.

"Some of the others are coming," he continued, his voice rising in excitement. "Elijah, Orlando... Viggo thinks he might be able to make it. It's going to be so cool, Billy. The Fellowship together again."

I was too busy dealing with a dry mouth and rapidly escalating pulse rate at the thought of seeing Orlando, that I didn't get round to pointing out there had been nine members of the Fellowship. Dom didn't seem to notice my distraction. "By the way, Bill, I hope you don't mind, but as this place is pretty small, you and Orlando will have to share."

I could have sworn he was smirking. I could hear it in his voice. He knows, I thought. But how the hell could he? No, I told myself sternly, you're just paranoid. Play the innocent. So I heard myself saying, in a curiously disembodied voice, "No, that's fine, Dom. I'll share with Orlando."

So here I am, somewhere between Los Angeles and Hawaii, shitting myself.


21st December

Currently sitting on my bed at Dom's, watching a palm tree sway gently to and fro outside the window. At least it stops me looking at the other bed and thinking about who is going to be occupying it tonight.

Okay, I lied. Nothing stops me thinking about sharing a room with the guy I'm in lust with. I thought if I said it often enough I might begin to believe it. But unfortunately, I don't appear to be that gullible.

Elijah and Dom have gone to the airport to fetch Orlando. Dom seemed a bit put out when I refused to go with them, pleading jet lag, but I couldn't do it. I wanted a little while to myself to gather my thoughts. Fucking fat lot of good it's doing me.

I know what you're thinking. How come I've never said anything to Orlando? Why haven't I made a move? Why suffer the whole unrequited love thing?


1. I'm just not in his league, and I know it.
2. He has never shown any sign of liking guys.
3. Every time I see him he's with a beautiful girl.
4. I'm a coward.

So, why has it got worse? After all, I could deal with it while we were filming. But at each premiere, each press junket since, I've been pulled towards him just that little bit harder.

Perhaps...'s an 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' kind of thing.

...he's got more attractive as he's got older.

...I've watched 'Pirates of the Caribbean' one too many times.

...I'm suffering from some kind of early senility.

And perhaps if I just go and bang my head against that palm tree, I might knock some sense into this thick skull of mine.


22nd December

He's broken up with his girlfriend.


Apparently Orlando wanting to spend Christmas with his hobbit friends was the last straw. She issued an 'it's me or them' ultimatum. We won.

In retrospect, he seems unsure this is a good thing and is currently getting absolutely rat-arsed with Elijah and Dom. I've pretended to drink more than I actually have so I don't end up saying something I'll regret. So I've come in here to try and clear my head a bit.

I'm very glad Viggo couldn't make it. He's a great guy, but has a tendency to get a bit existential under circumstances like this. Or he might write a poem. Neither option is attractive.

Caught Dom wiggling his eyebrows at me this morning, when Orlando was in full 'woe is me' mode. I have a horrible suspicion he does know how I feel. Or I could just be paranoid.

All day, I've just wanted Dom and Elijah to bugger off so I could give Orlando a hug. I feel so sorry for him. All I want to do is to try and cheer him up. I'm sure a shag would do the trick. Or at the very least a nice snog.

Oh god, how much have I had to drink?


23rd December

How long do you think I'd get for Merrycide? The way I feel about him at the moment, it would be worth a few years inside. I could plead extreme provocation, I'm sure I'd get the jury on my side. I'd tell Monaghan what I'm planning, but there's no way I'm going to speak to that sneaky, two-faced, fucking dickhead EVER AGAIN.

You want to know what he did?

Opened his big fat gob one too many times, that's what.

We were sitting having what passed for breakfast after a night of too much booze (copious amounts of coffee and a few croissants), when Dom suddenly winked at me, then turned to Orlando and said, "You ever shagged a guy, Orli?"

Orlando took a bite of his croissant and nodded, not even slightly embarrassed. My stomach did a few little somersaults at that point. The information that he wasn't as straight as I'd thought was curiously arousing. Still didn't mean he'd look twice at me, of course.

"Perhaps you should leave girls alone for now." Dom blithely continued, then looked pointedly at me. "Find a nice guy."

"Yeah, right," muttered Orlando. "And where do you propose I look?"

"Oh, I don't think you'd have to go far...." Dom smirked mischievously and gestured towards me. "How do you feel about a nice Scotsman perhaps..."

My heart plummeted into my shoes. Elijah burst out laughing, apparently finding the whole idea preposterous. Orlando swung round to face me, his mouth hanging open. I know I should have denied it, but I was too embarrassed, too surprised that Dom would actually say something like that. I felt myself turn as red as a beetroot, and mustering as much dignity as I could, stood up and left the room before Orlando had chance to say anything.

As I said, Dominic Fucking Monaghan is a dead man.

Got to go - someone's knocking at the door. If it's Monaghan he can bugger off.


December 24th

I love Dom. Really I do.

Yesterday it was Orlando at the door. He wanted to talk. Turns out he's always fancied me. I had to pinch myself a couple of times when he said that, because I'd fantasised about him saying it so often I thought it was a dream.

But he thought I was straight.

After last night, I think I've proved I'm not.

So we've wasted four years hiding our sexualities from each other when we could have been doing something a lot more fun. It's a good job Dom worked out how we both felt.

Yes, I've forgiven him. After the night I've just had, I'd forgive him anything.

Anyway, don't have time to go into details. Orlando and I have much more interesting things to do....


Slashababy 2004 Stories